On this day 11 years ago, the worst day of my life had been established. I received a call early in the morning...about or around 8 a.m. from my sister telling me to come home. Nothing more than just....come home. Being that I had 2 final exams left I asked why, and what's wrong and again she said "come home". I then asked "where's mom?" She just kept saying "come home". I hung up and called my moms hospital room. No answer. I called what felt like a thousand times more, and....no answer. My sister called again and I don't remember how she told me but she told me my mom was dead.
How in the world could this be? I just talked to her the night before. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember I got through the hospital at the time the phones were supposed to be cut off. That was extremely weird. We hadn't spoken in a minute because of something incredibly stupid, but now I know that she knew her time was coming. We talked, we laughed, we loved each other as always, but I definitely didn't know it would be the last time. I should have because she made those same groans my grandmother made before she passed. Me making her aware of this and her sensing my fear......she stopped and apologized. She knew! Reflecting on this conversation everyday and every year....smh. Point is, she loved me no matter what and although I was being a typical young adult trying to find herself......I wish I wasn't that at that time. I know she knows my heart and wouldn't want me to place blame but fact is I shouldn't have been so selfish with that last argument. I should've known something was wrong when she didn't come to my awards day that she told everyone and all they family about. I guess things happen for a reason. We find ways to forgive ourselves and move on and know that our loved ones loves us no matter how foolish we are.
My mom was someone very special. I was in Statesboro in school when she passed. I didn't see her in the hospital. The rest of my family did see her before the coroner took her body. I know that she wouldn't have wanted me there for that cause I just can't handle that type of stuff. I know what she wanted from me. To finish school and do something productive with my life and have kids. This lady was the center of my life. From the time I was born to today there isn't a day that she doesn't have an influence on me. I just wish I had listened sooner. I can remember the first time I saw her body after she passed.
I came home that same day my sister called. Just so happened my very good friend Latasha had an interview with the GBI in Decatur that same day and she was driving to Atlanta. I couldn't even drive myself to the airport to catch a flight. I know when my grandmother passed I couldn't even get the words out my mouth at the ticket desk to tell them where I was going. My friend Latasha drove me home. As the calls came in people wanted to know the home phone number to the house......I could only get out 770461..............and I couldn't stop crying. That was the longest ride home. When I got home....everyone was in our home. My step father just started doing stuff around the house. Cutting grass. The grass didn't even need to be cut. I guess that's what took his mind away from it. Walking through the house in which pink was in every room in some sort of way. A house that I grew up in and that was decorated to the T. Many people used to come to our house and ask me "is your mom an AKA?" No she just likes pink. Going up the stairs to her room, it just hadn't set in yet. I put in my mind she will be back later. I went to my room and just people kept calling. I really didn't want to hear how she is in a better place or with the lord. I want her here with me and she will be back soon.
People we hadn't seen in years started appearing. Like I said, I just felt like she would be back later on. It became real when I finally saw her body at the wake. Gus Thornhill. I went up to touch her and her hand was hard. It was over for me. My everything was gone. All the planning the funeral, the shopping for the plot, the casket....it was all real now. My mom isn't gonna wake up and say "my baby is here!" I vaguely remember the funeral. What I do remember is that my sister and I wore pink. Pink is my moms favorite color. From the interior decorations in our house to the color of her nails. Pink is her signature color. Seeing the hurst outside the church. This is it! It's real. This is not a dream. Seeing her body in front of the church like that.......hurtful. I lashed out at some people a few times. Still wasn't gonna bring her back and have her fuss at me for it! Walking behind her casket and seeing my step dad break down and some how my dad appeared next to me. It was real. Seeing little Michael wonder why everyone was looking and why his grandmother was getting up for him....it was real! My brother in law being the strength for my sister and myself......it was real! The day and night after the funeral, it was lonely! It....wasn't the same. Who knew one person could hold a family together? Who knew one person was every ones everything.
After May 6 I have to say that I checked out of life. I did some things I'm not happy nor proud about. It was hard. In that same time, I saw people for exactly who they were. Not always a good thing. Who knew one person could shield their child from so much? I made some new great friends, and lost some that were never friends. Funny how hard times show you who is who! I made a very best friend at this time. See although my mom had passed, her words did not. Words like "if you don't graduate from college I will haunt you!" Yeah, I know she would make good on that. I struggled. People have made fun of me for how long it took for me to get my degree but the truth is.....I gave up on my self more times than I care to admit. Breathing became a task. Living hurt. I had to actually come back to school and carry on without the driving force behind me? We picked Georgia Southern together. She came to visit many times and loved this school as much as I do and bragged to others. What did it really mean for me if she wasn't there? All of my friends left for the summer or graduated. All except one. Eulisha Williams bka Le Le was around the whole time.
I had numerous panic attacks in which I went to the hospital several times a month. Throughout the whole time my friend Le Le was there. She didn't judge me or call me crazy. I didn't sleep for days or barely ate most of the time. Le Le allowed me to come to her place and play Sega Tennis or we played Playstation all night! After not sleeping for days I could lay on her couch and crash out and start the cycle again. I was scared of sleep. Who would say I wouldn't die too? My mom was in perfect health, watched her weight, made regular visits and she's dead. I thought I was having heart attacks or maybe developing a blood clot so many times but yet and still......Le Le would just take me to the hospital and wouldn't judge me. She never told me what I should do, she never scolded me or told me to get over it. She just let me be and find my way through it while being by my side the whole time. We talked about everything. We trusted each other. We loved each other. We didn't judge each other. I probably wouldn't have survived if Lee wasn't there.
I saw my sister trying to over compensate for my mom not being here. She tried. It took years for me to want to live again. You heard that right. At times I just wanted to be gone from this earth too. I say this for a reason, not for pity. I finally graduated from Georgia Southern in 2004. It was a bitter sweet day. I have to say that I wouldn't have made it to graduation without Le Le and her family, my family, and Mr. Cook. The many times I was encouraged by him to continue on. As a matter of fact I exceeded my own limitations and now I have two master degrees. I never thought I would be able to do these things. Going on with life after Georgia Southern, I moved back home.
When the house was lost, I lost it! That was the only thing I really had left that had all memories of my mom and the things we did and shared. I knew everything that changed in that house from the time we moved in until the time we had to leave. I know how excited she was about the improvements she made. I'm the one who talked her out of selling the house and moving to a bigger one. I loved our house and she did too! It was HOME! She always said, "you can always come home!" The house not being there anymore I was really lost. There was no home for me to go to and no where for me to call home. I was living a nightmare. I really didn't want to be here now. I sought out professional help and got it! I needed it. It was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself.
2002- 2007, my life was a blur. It was life I was here but, I wasn't here! It was like watching a dark movie. 2008 I started teaching. Something my mom always said I would be good at. I should have listened because I love it. It changed my life. I started feeling alive again. I had a purpose. I started going to church and learning in 2005. God changed me. I started being able to accept life and death. In 2006 I miscarried. It changed me. The question of children no longer was an I don't know situation. It became an I want kids definite. 2007 My own place gave me a new lease on life, literally. I can make my own home. All the time from 2008 until now has been a test. A test of my will, a test of my courage, a test of my faith. My path has been a long and hard one. Lessons that were rough to learn and very dark many times. I'm here. My mom did not help give me life for me to just waste it away.
God didn't bless me with a remarkable mother that would go through anything for her kids for me to let them both down by giving up on life. What losing my mom has done has made me believe in myself as much as she did. Her death has made me grow up and be a strong person. It has made me make mistakes and learn from them on my own. It has made me wiser in the things I do and the people I allow into my life. I dare not give up on life because I would let my mom down in so many ways. Like I said before, I didn't write all of this for anyone to pity me. I'm writing and sharing this for those who read this to know that life is going to happen no matter what. We will lose beautiful and wonderful people that we love and they love us back. That love never stops, only their physical presence. I dare not stop my life or end it because I was grieving. What a slap in the face that would have been. She wanted us all to continue on and live life, cause she definitely lived hers.
My mom taught me that no matter how crazy family is, never give up on them. She made us know all of our family no matter how near or far. She adored her grandson and I know she handpicked her granddaughter. I seem them in her all the time. How dare I not be around for them. They are the lights of my life. How dare I not start my own family. Life is precious. We love who we love and I try to show it to my loved ones everyday in some way. Sometimes they may not know it because I'm thinking about them. I will work on getting better about that. Life is a gift. Don't waste it. I have to say that if these chain of events didn't happen I really don't know what I would be doing or where I would be. I am learning to accept those for who that are and what they are and just let it be. I've seen those who love me because they support me in the hard times and love me in the hard times without judgement. They tell me their honest opinion about situations not to hurt me but to help me. They take time to listen to the whole story and not get impatient and just cut me off. I rarely share my true feelings, when I do........people listen. They know its a point and reason.
I'm doing this now for anyone who is going through a difficult time. I want them to know that you can make it. Through horrible mistakes and wonderful victories, you can keep moving and living life. It's how you live and learn which will determine how miserable or joyous it can be. It may bring you closer to God or it may not. We all have choices but please don't ever give up. I never thought that I would see happiness again and here I am all happy and stuff. I live with my moms memories and dreams for us everyday while making a few of my own. DON'T GIVE UP. Keep living!!!!!
I hope you got something out of this because writing this I was able to cry, reflect, and know that I came from a dark place and made it back into the light and into God's will. My mom was a great person and I hope to reflect her name and raising well.
Love you all,
Kris
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